Phone ringing incessantly? Telemarketers driving you crazy? No worries! Put an end to those meddlesome calls with this handy dandy survey. Before the caller gets that first word in, begin with this quick preface:
I wholeheartedly believe in the worth of your product/cause. I am eager to buy/donate. But first I must request a few moments of your time to answer some important questions concerning the upcoming presidential election. Your responses may determine the future of our country, which hangs in the balance. Here goes:
- Bernie Sanders often compares himself to which of these figures:
a. The Lorax
b. King Nebuchadnezzar
c. Larry David
- True or False: Donald Trump’s orange skin justifies his referring to himself as a “Person of Color.”
- Continuing with the subject of Trump’s orange skin, who is his Brother from Another Mother?
a. Jerry Gourd from Veggie Tales
b. Oompa Loompa #2
c. John Boehner
- Which of these is a favorite saying of Ted Cruz:
a. They will know we are Christians by our love.
b. They will know we are Christians by our massive assault weapons.
c. They will know we are Christians when we bomb those heathens straight to hell. Peace be with you.
- John Kasich is an ardent advocate of:
a. Women remaining in their kitchens at all times.
b. Women leaving their kitchens only to support his campaign.
c. Women leaving their kitchens only for Planned Parenthood-related activities.
d. Women leaving their kitchens only to give birth.
- If Hilary Clinton is elected President, her first executive order will:
a. Declare that henceforth Bill will be referred to as First Lady.
b. Declare federally funded abortions for all first-time mothers.
c. Declare mandatory abortions for all third-time mothers.
d. Demolish all houses of worship except United Methodist Churches.
- Which of the following is true of Ben Carson?
a. If elected President, he will perform lobotomies on illegal immigrants in the Oval Office on Tuesdays & Thursdays.
b. On Halloween he will trick-or-treat in his Allen West costume.
c. Plans to abolish the prison system, because prisons turn everyone gay.
- In Chris Christie’s fondest dream, he’s President and he has the power to:
a. Permanently shut down all access to and from Fort Lee, NJ.
b. Force Bruce Springsteen to be his BFF.
c. Declare “Blitzkrieg Bop” by the Ramones our new national anthem.
d. Carpet-bomb Fort Lee.
- Which is true of Jeb Bush?
a. Oh how deeply he regrets that exclamation point!
b. His amazement at the fickleness of fate will never cease: He was supposed to be the successful one, not George W!
c. He has the best hair of any of the candidates.
d. All of the above.
- Which is true of Marco Rubio?
a. He is the smiling, sunny Ted Cruz.
b. He is hailed by Rush Limbaugh as a “legitimate, full-throated conservative.”
c. He urges you to support Marcomentum by purchasing many fine Under Armour products from his New American Store.
d. He looks forward to extending the Overseas Railway from Key West to Cuba.
Thank you for your time, and have a super-great day!