Category Archives: Parenthood

Family, Nature, Parenthood

In Spring’s Resilience, Hope

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Our daughter and her fiancé had originally wanted a fall wedding.  They’d found a lovely spot and  were about to lock in a date in mid-October that would coincide with my husband’s and my thirtieth anniversary.  Then they decided to check out a couple more wedding venues, just in case.  They found an even more perfect locale, and it was fully booked in October.  They chose to marry in April, instead.

Once plans were underway for a spring wedding, I began to see the timing as fortuitous.  How fitting, to start a life together in the early days of a hopeful new season.  It seemed especially fitting after such a long, frozen winter, just as we were beginning to rejoice at the first signs of nature’s resilience. Yes, again there were daffodils,  cherry blossoms, colonies of purple and white violets amid their heart-shaped leaves, and vibrantly bright azaleas. Our newly planted London Plane trees did not perish in the extreme cold.   A springtime wedding seemed an appropriate antidote for these dispiriting days, when reasons to keep hope alive appear increasingly unsustainable.  

Now that the wedding is in the past, I’m looking back on photos I took of nature’s beauty just outside our doors, before and after the big event.  And I see them now through the lens of that celebratory day.  I see images that evoke renewal, rebirth and indefatigable persistence in the face of adversity.  

Outside our screened porch, rhododendrons dotted with raindrops recall the words of “Morning Has Broken,” the first hymn we sang at the ceremony: 

Sweet the rain’s new fall, sunlit from heaven,

Like the first dewfall on the first grass.

Praise for the sweetness of the wet garden,

Sprung in completeness where God’s feet pass.

During the song,  rain could clearly be seen falling through a large open window onto a bank of  flowers below.  We had watched the weather with alarm and dismay all that week, as the chance of showers increased to close to 100%.  As it turned out, the indoor ceremony in the  enormous, nave-like barn, with all windows open to the elements and rain pounding dramatically on the roof, felt absolutely perfect.  For our family, it was also unforgettable, which was the song our daughter chose for her dance with her father.   

The wedding flowers were all in season, locally grown at another nearby farm.  They happened to echo the colors of the three bridesmaids’ dresses, each one different, each the choice of its wearer.  

I’d feared that my husband had pruned this late-blooming lilac far too drastically last year.  Yet it rebounded triumphantly with a fabulous and fragrant show.

There were no peonies among the wedding flowers, as they weren’t yet blooming in our area.  Ever since I saw my first peony, on a walk in New Jersey, it’s been one of my favorite flowers.  Once we moved into our own home in Virginia, it was a gardening goal to dedicate a spot to these gorgeous blossoms.  For a while we had an array of productive peony plants.  Then a blizzard took out several, including the most dazzling example, a pink tree peony, with extra-large blooms.  Those that remained put forth only white blossoms.  Inspired by the pastel colors of the wedding flowers, I decided it was time to expand our peony palette.  That proved more difficult than I had expected, but this peachy Cora Louise and white Primavera with its lacy yellow center have been welcome new additions.   

The bright green leaves above are mayapple plants.  Native to Virginia, mayapples appear in early spring in woodland undergrowth.  Soon after sprouting, they look like closed umbrellas, which then open, creating a protective canopy for birds and small animals.  A single, delicate white blossom grows beneath the foliage, forming a small apple-like sphere.  The fruit, when fully ripe, is said to be a favorite of box turtles, who poop out the seeds to germinate in the soil of the forest floor.  My husband’s box turtle, however, was unimpressed.  Speedy, who has been with H since elementary school, stomped deliberately over the mayapple fruit we offered, circled back and stared at us, as if to say, “Really?” H has recently been treating Speedy with freshly harvested earthworms and lawn grubs, as well as the occasional bite of tender beef filet.  Our turtle may be living the high life, but the mayapple appears content in its unassuming humility.  I love watching their leaves unfurl every spring in our courtyard.  Quietly reliable, and easily overlooked in the company of the season’s more spectacular stars, the plants remind me of the virtue of humility.  Increasingly unappreciated and underused, humility is a valuable practice in marriage, as in every aspect of life.  This is a truth that becomes clearer to me with every passing year.  And just when I think I’ve gotten the hang of being humble, pride creeps in and I have to start all over again.  As I said, it’s a practice.  

Our Appalachian Red redbud trees abounded in early April with bright fuchsia buds.  The arctic chill of January and February was no match for their steadfast determination, a quality particularly evident in the showy flower clusters that burst forth directly from the trunk and large branches.

As spring progresses, the news from Washington and around the world teems with one ugliness after another: multiple wars, gun violence in houses of worship, sky-high costs of housing and basic necessities, environmental dangers, horrific disease, famine, mind-boggling government corruption and outright cruelty, among other perils.  We may be tempted to retreat to our own private islands of solace and despair.  We may be tempted to believe that evil is bound to win.  But just as each new day offers glimpses of transcendent natural beauty, it also offers opportunities to share in the power of community with old and new friends.  All around us we see spring’s glorious, dogged persistence, in the tendrils of the seeking vine, the now-leafy tree, the shaggy golden dandelion in the sidewalk crack.  May it prompt us to reach out, listen, join hands, stand up, speak out and act together for the greater good.  May it inspire us to be the reason that someone else is hopeful, for a change.    

Mine is the sunlight! Mine is the morning,

born of the one light Eden saw play!

Praise with elation, praise every morning,

God’s recreation of the new day! 

 

Morning Has Broken

Words:  Eleanor Farjeon, 1931 

Music: Traditional Gaelic melody

 

Lamentations 3:23:  Great is God’s faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.  

Community, Faith and Spirituality, Family, Parenthood

Mother’s Day 2026: With a Newly Married Daughter, a new Phase of Parenting

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May 1999, with my daughter, at five months, on the screened porch of my parents’ house in Atlanta.

It’s been just over two weeks now since our daughter’s wedding.  She and her fiancé were married in a very moving ceremony to which they’d given much thought.  Festive food, drink, and a rollicking dance party followed.  Several dear friends and family members present had attended my husband’s and my wedding thirty-one years ago.  All five of her young cousins on my husband’s side were with her at once for the first time ever.  The setting was a lovely working farm among the rolling hills of Loudoun County, Virginia.  We could well have been in the horse country of my native Kentucky.  

As the wedding day approached, I thought back on approximately twenty-eight years of motherhood, beginning with those first days when I discovered that I was expecting.  I kept coming back to the phrase I find myself thinking at every family milestone event:  our daughter is the daughter I’ve always wanted.  

Our first ultrasound image of our baby girl was telling:  she was upside down and doing vigorous scissor kicks.  This child would likely be a spirited, energetic presence.  

In those early days, I had a vague vision of what I hoped she’d be like, and the ways I might see my beloved parents, maybe even grandparents, in her.  I hoped we’d come to share a cherished friendship, much like the one I still enjoy with my mother.  

While I had wished she’d share a love for some of my favorite things, and she has, after her birth, I soon understood that it would be wondrous to witness the many ways she’d surprise us.  

It’s been a grand adventure to watch her move through various life phases:  especially bold around a year, suddenly shy at two.  Funny from the very beginning, able to laugh at herself.  As a toddler determined to try new things with minimal assistance.  How often she declared, “Self do it!”  Quickly, it was evident that she was gifted with courage, but also with kindness and compassion.  

As she grew, my husband and I saw how her character reflected traits from both of us, yet combined in novel ways.  She became the teenager who jumped into musical theatre while learning  BC Calculus, and then the University of Virginia student who chose a career in aerospace engineering and minored in astronomy.  

We’ve been blessed with almost three decades of being parents to our daughter.  Every once in a while, when I hear her call out “Mama,” past and present versions of her collide.  I get a sort of amazingly surreal time-warp sensation.  Sometimes when my husband and I reminisce about old times, we see her there with us.  Then it hits us that she wasn’t even born yet.  Seems like she’s always been a part of us.  And she always will be.

I marvel that our daughter does, indeed, carry in her traces of those who’ve gone on before.  My father was absolutely, resoundingly, overjoyed to become a grandfather.  Papa loved everything about our daughter.  In the curve of her nose, and in her gracious, humble confidence, I see him.  And she’s her Nana’s girl, too.  My mother, the practical realist, loves her granddaughter every bit as much as my father did.  Her role, though, has always been to  be the more subdued foil to Daddy’s sunny optimism.  Our daughter shares Nana’s willingness to face, and even to find humor, in life’s bitter and difficult aspects.

My husband and I, August 1998, at Mount Vernon, shortly after we moved to Virginia. I was five months pregnant with our daughter. (My facial expression is one I see on my mother in countless photos.)
January 5, 1999. With my mother and daughter, six days old, at our first townhouse in Virginia.
My mother and newborn daughter, January 7, 1999.
Happiness all around: my parents and daughter at 9 months, ready for Gymboree, September 1999.

With our daughter newly married, we’ve moved into another distinct parenting stage.  We’re absolutely delighted that she’s chosen a young man whom we happily welcome as a son.  They began dating in 2019, when they were both in college, but have been friends since 2014, when they met in high school drama. In their first shared theatre experience, she was among the citizens of Verona, and he played Romeo.  Our families, as drama volunteers and enthusiastic patrons, quickly became well acquainted. 

The newly married couple, April 25, 2026. (Thanks to my sister-in-law Julie for this photo.)

Our daughter and her new husband complement each other like colors on the color wheel.  At their wedding, I offered this toast:  May your love and respect increase with the years.  May you nourish each other, like the forest of plants you lovingly tend in your home.  May you strengthen and encourage one another, like two trees that flourish and thrive because they’re entwined together.  

A portion of the wedding banner I painted for the couple.

And may we, my husband and I, continue to grow as good parents to both our children.  And if we get the chance one day to be grandparents, may we embrace that role with as much joy and dedication as our parents did before us.  

Community, Parenthood

Snow, Again

Northern Virginia escaped the brunt of the “bomb cyclone” that brought blizzard conditions and historic snow totals to New York and New England beginning on Sunday evening.  But we did get more snow.  And I’d only just begun to adjust to stepping out our front door onto a squelchy lawn rather than a skating rink.  

Unlike the steely “snowcrete” mixture that blanketed us in late January, this was a beautiful, fluffy-looking snow.  It clung poetically (although heavily and adversely in spots) to trees and foliage.  It’s actually possible to walk through this snow.  And, much to the delight of the neighborhood kids, it has been perfect snowman-making snow.  

Best of all, because the arctic blast of single-digit temperatures has subsided, it may not endure as long as the last one. 

But we may not go snow-less into March.  More of the white stuff could hit us next week.  

Wish you were here, Spring!

Community, Family, Holiday, Parenthood

Mother’s Day, 2025

My mother with my daughter, at age 2 1/2, in Atlanta.

To all the women who do the loving work of mothering, whether to your own child or children, and/or to other family members and friends, human and non, thank you! Our troubled world needs your care, courage and kindness. May you feel cherished and appreciated on this day and every day!

Happy Mother’s Day!

Family, Holiday, Memorials, Parenthood, Travel

Father’s Day 2024

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Daddy and I, July 1965, in Lebanon, KY.

A particular image of my father has taken up residence in my mind recently. I see him sitting at our kitchen table in our house in Atlanta. He has a map open–a fold-up highway map, the kind we used to buy at gas stations and welcome centers–those old ones that today’s young adults have rarely seen. He has a pen in hand, and he’s cheerfully planning the route for an upcoming trip. The destination is likely to be one with which he’s very familiar. Probably it’s a town in central or eastern Kentucky, to visit family. Even near home, Daddy didn’t like to follow the same path twice. Mama said that was one reason she never learned her way around Atlanta. Daddy enjoyed driving, and he was good at it. He’d had considerable practice, as he’d been driving since he was twelve or so. He was born in 1929, and he learned on a Model T. I always knew that if I needed a ride somewhere–anywhere accessible by car–Daddy could, and would, gladly oblige.

Mama remembers how Daddy poured over such a map while my husband and I were on our way to New Jersey after our marriage in the fall of 1995. I was moving away, and this time, it seemed likely to be for good. Before, I’d always returned after a few years. H and I were in a packed U-Haul, with my little Rabbit convertible behind on a trailer. Because we left later in the day, we spent a night on the road in Carlisle, Pennsylvania. When I called home to report our safe arrival, Daddy quickly picked up the phone. He’d been worried about us. (He didn’t yet know that I’d perhaps married as capable and confident a driver as he.)

My husband and I with the moving van in Atlanta, November 1995.

“I’m so relieved to hear your voice!,” he exclaimed. “I think I drove every mile with you!”

Daddy was not a man who cried easily or often. But Mama said she remembers him shedding some tears that evening, as he worried over the map.

H with the van in Carlisle. The trailer for my small car was huge, and could easily have held a Cadillac. As H said, “We were long.”

On this Father’s Day, and every day, I’m grateful to be my father’s daughter. I know that wherever life takes me, no matter how treacherous the road, Daddy is there beside me, every mile.

My husband and my father in Atlanta, December 1996.

Somehow now the years have spun by like the numbers on the oven timer, and H and I are a married couple past middle age, with a daughter of our own. She’s twenty-five, a young career woman, living in another state. But it’s Maryland, and she’s still nearby. So far, we’re lucky that way. I know that she, too, counts herself fortunate to be her father’s daughter. She can be sure that her Dada, like her dear Papa, will be forever at her side, driving with her every mile.

For another post on my sweet Daddy, see here.

Family, Parenthood

With Mama, After the Fall

One of my favorite photos of Mama and me, in St. Augustine, Florida, 1968.

My first post of 2024 was about how I started the year off on a walk wearing mismatched shoes, or one wrong shoe. Just two days later, my mother started the year off with one wrong step. A seriously wrong step. As she was preparing to head upstairs for the night on January 5th, she fell. In recent years, she’s been quite the frequent faller, and her attitude toward falling is best described as cavalier. She rarely complains about the bruises and occasional cuts she acquires with each tumble. But this fall was different. She was unable to get up, or to contact us, and the pain in her leg was intense. Her little red Jitterbug phone lay just out of reach. Her emergency call pendant was by her bed. She spent twelve hours on her family room floor. I had checked on her around 6 PM, as I usually do, and she’d been fine. My husband or I should have noticed that her bedroom light never switched on. But we didn’t. We didn’t find her until the next morning.

Every time we hear the urgent wails of approaching ambulances and firetrucks (and we hear them often) we know that at some point, they’ll be coming for someone in our family. January 6th was one of those days. That morning, my mother was carried out on a stretcher, and I sat in the front seat of the ambulance. The paramedics couldn’t have been kinder or more thoughtful. We’re grateful to live within easy reach of excellent medical care.

Mama and me, 1970, in Atlanta. We’re wearing our of-the-moment midi and maxi fashions, sewn by Mama, of course.

Surgery to repair a badly broken femur was followed by four days in the hospital. On Day 3, Mama remarked that she was rather enjoying the stay; it felt like a rest in a nice hotel. Anesthesia and pain meds were masking the discomfort, no one was bugging her to try to stand up, and I was a constant presence in her pleasant private room. The staff was attentive and capable. Over the years, she has spent time in three Northern Virginia hospitals, and she found this stint to be by far the least miserable.

It was a different story altogether when she was moved to a nearby rehab facility. I could no longer be with her every minute, day and night. She had a roommate, whose demeanor vacillated precipitously between angelic and menacing. There was an ongoing, simmering dispute over the ideal room temperature. Mama could neither see nor hear the TV on her side of the room, yet her roomie’s TV was always on, too loudly, tuned to a station Mama would certainly not have chosen. There was considerable difficulty in ensuring that she received her prescribed medications, especially those for her asthma, and wasn’t dosed arbitrarily with unnecessary ones. As in any such facility, the staff are too few, and they’re doing difficult, often disagreeable work for low pay. It’s a place where no one wants to be. Mama described it simply as a house of horrors.

Atlanta, 1975

Not quite three weeks later, insurance abruptly decreed that her time in rehab was up. Thanks to a wheelchair-accessible transport van, Mama was summarily deposited back in her own home. For her, it was not a moment too soon, although my husband and I were not sure how we’d care for her effectively when her mobility remained so limited. There’s a good reason that babies are smaller than their parents.

We’ve all managed, somehow. Mama has learned to walk again. She’s progressed through a series of walkers, from wheel-less, to partially wheeled, to a rollator (a word I’d never heard until recently), the kind with four wheels and a little seat that can be used for carrying things. Several times a week, we do the exercises together that I watched her learn in physical therapy at rehab. She is getting somewhat stronger. She can do a few things for herself, including preparing simple meals.

Her falls, though, continue. Since her return from rehab, she’s fallen about twice a month, typically while making a transition from sitting to standing. Her legs simply “give out,” she says. With each episode, we make some changes and many suggestions. I remind her that I sleep in her guest room and can hear her summons on the baby monitor if she needs me in the night. She never expects to fall. So far, she’s suffered no further major damage. But we know that may not always be the case. The next broken leg, or arm, or worse–awaits.

Wales, 1988

Throughout her life, Mama was exceptionally active, involved in multiple projects–sewing clothes for everyone in the family, upholstering and refinishing furniture, decorating, gold-leafing, crafting–all while working part time at various jobs, reading voraciously, teaching Sunday School or Bible study, doing the housework, cooking, and being a devoted, compassionate wife, mother and daughter. (She and Daddy gave up their bedroom to move my grandmother into their home and care for her at the end of her life. ) Mama was generally too busy to consider physical exercise for its own sake.

Or for her own sake. And mine. If I could turn back the clock and change anything, it would be to encourage Mama to start weight training around the time I discovered it, in college. Why didn’t I try harder to get her to join me in regular work-outs, at home or at the Colony Square Athletic Club when I worked at the High Museum? Because she had too much else to do, of course. She would remind me that there was a time, when I was in grad school, that she and my father walked for exercise in the early mornings. At least they did that. Every little bit helps.

The frightening truth is that we’re all one small misstep away from catastrophe. That’s life. Our circumstances can change, for better or worse, in an instant.

So we keep on, doing what we can. I’ll continue the PT sessions with Mama. I’ll keep to my weight routine in our basement gym. My husband will, too. I’ll walk the neighborhood with my dog-mom friends, and he’ll use our treadmill. We’ll do our best to maintain our strength and balance. We’ll think of it as a gift to ourselves, to our daughter, and to anyone who may need to care for us one day.

Family, Nature, Parenthood

Summertime? What’s Missing?

One of the things I like most about living in Northern Virginia is experiencing the change of seasons. I enjoy looking out for the many small signs that herald the end of one season and the beginning of another. This year, as usual, I was paying attention as spring yielded to summer. And certainly, it feels like summer, with the heat and humidity expected during a DC-area July. Most afternoons, a storm threatens, typically with lots of bluster and thundery build-up. Sometimes a pounding, torrential rain follows, or maybe it’s just a few sprinkles. Considerable drama, either way. That’s summer, with moods that are shifting and short-lived, rather like those of a fiery teenager with no homework and time on her hands.

Summer is here, without a doubt. But for me, something is off. I’d like to blame it on my broken thumb. Maybe my sense of timing is out of whack because of the injury? During those two months with a cast, followed by a splint, most tasks required twice as much time to complete; that’s true. But it can’t explain my occasional tendency to suddenly forget what season we’re in. It’s more like I’m waiting for some special signifying cue that tells me: Now this is Summer.

A part of me, I think, is waiting for my own fiery teenager, or elementary schooler, or Kindergartner, or preschooler, to finish her classes for the year and be here, at home, on summer break. It’s similar to the way I felt in mid-December. How could the “Holiday Season” have been upon us without our girl home for the holidays? And how can it really be summer without her here?

I’m not complaining. I’m grateful that our daughter has found a career that she enjoys; it’s why my husband and I encouraged her to work hard throughout her many years of schooling. And we count ourselves fortunate that she lives nearby in Maryland. Right now, she’s on a work trip, in Tacoma, Washington. She flew there immediately after returning from Scotland and England with friends. She’s making her own choices, living her life, and we celebrate that.

My husband and I have not been especially clingy parents. We made a conscious effort not to shelter our daughter, or to keep her to ourselves. Growing up as an only child, my small family warmly welcomed others, and we tried to do the same. We encouraged D to forge strong friendships, yet to be unafraid to claim her independence at times. She was among the few students to attend her college orientation on her own. H and I were skeptical of the University’s entreaty, earnest and emphatic, for parental attendance at orientation. Seemed too much like a marketing ploy. D said later that she felt a bit awkward when she sat beside someone else’s mother on the shuttle bus from the parking lot, but other than that, our absence didn’t bother her. When we dropped her off at UVA that first August, (and yes, we helped move her in) we left teary-eyed. We didn’t expect to see her for quite a while, and that thought made us sad, but we tried to keep it to ourselves. We visited her on grounds only rarely, and we didn’t push her to come home on weekends. I have friends who headed to Charlottesville for most home football games and the accompanying all-day festivities. Not us. H, especially, was concerned about interfering with D’s engineering studies. When his sister, her husband and their little boys drove down from Rochester to spend an Easter weekend with us, we didn’t tell our daughter. She’d already said she had too much work to do, and wouldn’t be home for Easter. We took her at her word. She was upset with us. And then the pandemic prevented our visiting during most of her final two years at UVA (with the exception of her graduation, which we happily attended).

All this may make us sound like cold, unfeeling parents. We are not. If we were, I wouldn’t be walking around in the July heat, wondering when summer will begin.

Our daughter in her Jar-Jar pool, July 2003, in her nightgown.

I’m not bemoaning the loneliness of an empty nest. But neither am I unmindful of and unmoved by our daughter’s absence. Images of summers past, when she was with us, are never far away in my mind’s eye. I have sudden flashes of leisurely breakfasts with her on the screened porch. I see her jumping into the blow-up wading pool first thing on a summer morning, in her nightgown. I see D and her friends dashing through the sprinkler spray in the front yard. I see her happily cuddling our young dog. Those were summer days that felt like summer. I miss them. But I have them with me, too. And always, I will count them among life’s treasures.

D and a good friend at the pool club, August 2007.
D and Kiko, June 2009, on our then-unfinished back porch.

Family, Holiday, Parenthood

‘Tis the Season, Again

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A wreath once again adorns the remains of the maple tree in front of our house.

Mid-December has arrived. I tell myself that I’m getting used to not expecting our daughter back home for an extended winter break. I tell myself again, and again. I speak with considerable authority and firmness. I listen, and I hear, but I quickly forget.

Last year, I faced this reality for the first time. December of 2021 seemed especially unreal. With our daughter working and living in Maryland since the fall after her graduation from the University of Virginia, she would no longer be with us for most of the month, and well into January. It’s a tricky concept to accept. I still can’t quite wrap my head around it.

I’ve had another twelve months now to get acclimated to being the parent of a young person with a career. Most of the time, it’s been a very pleasant situation. We’ve seen our daughter often on weekends, thanks in large part to the fact that her boyfriend lives near us. We have the luxury of knowing she’s only about an hour away. No long plane ride separates us. Only a hair-raising ride on the Capital Beltway, which I do not attempt on my own. And, I’ve been busy, as always. I never lack for things that need doing, or things I want to do.

My husband and daughter, hanging the central wreath at my mother’s house, December 2017.

Still, December is different, because of that winter break that won’t be happening. Seasonal prep tends to be more fun with our daughter around. Her presence, and her youthful enthusiasm–they add an element of festivity. Without her, it’s more like we’re just doing chores. Ever since she was a toddler, she’s enjoyed adorning the house for holidays. I remember her, as a four-year old, sitting amidst my gingerbread houses on the dining room table, exploring boxes of baubles and chanting, “Decorate! Decorate!” Once she was old enough to climb the tall ladders and strong enough to help move them, it became her job (and not mine) to assist my husband in hanging the outdoor wreaths at our house and my mother’s. Together they set up the electric candles in every window, positioned the floodlights and programmed the system. But not this year.

I’m not complaining. Not really. She’s been with us several times this month, but never long enough to help with the usual Christmas tasks. My husband and I both felt her absence as we stood in the front yard to watch the lights click on for the first time. Never before has she missed this family countdown-to-Christmas signal. But she was doing her own holiday prep in Maryland, where she has an apartment, a meaningful job that suits her, and friends. She is building a life that is, for the most part, separate from us, her parents. That’s what we raise our children to do, right? I don’t have to tell myself that I’m happy for her. I’m more than merely happy. While parenting is a job that never ends, it’s a job with numerous stages. Or seasons.

Wreath hanging at my mother’s, December 2017.

And now, my husband and I are in a season in which there is no long college break to anticipate with our child. On the down side, for me, it’s one with fewer chances to sit up late together, laughing at the quirks of foreign-language Netflix shows. Fewer mornings to chat unhurriedly across the breakfast table. For my husband, it’s fewer opportunities to work with D on what, a generation ago, might have been considered father-son projects. Or to hit the ice, in hockey gear, together. And it still sneaks up on me that there will be no time at all to see our daughter cuddling on the sofa with our soundly sleeping elderly dog. Maybe this December feels doubly “off” because we’re not only post-college kid, we’re also post-dog. Between dogs, more accurately, I tell myself. Another dog will join us, in a while.

But even this season has its advantages. Our daughter was home for part of last weekend. We dropped her off at the Kennedy Center to meet friends on our way to a DC hotel for my husband’s company holiday party. How cool is that?

And while our daughter wasn’t here with us to add a bigger dose of cheer to some of our holiday chores, she’ll be present for others. And she knows that as twilight falls, our old farmhouse glows like a beacon, as it always does during this season. She knows that it waits to welcome her home.

As we do, too. Our daughter will be home for Christmas. Not only in our dreams.

Community, Family, Parenthood

Toward Finding Common Ground on Gun Violence

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Four more people were shot dead on Wednesday, this time at a hospital in Tulsa.  Yet again, the gunman used a military-style semiautomatic rifle.  He bought it that very day.  This is the 233rd mass shooting in the U.S. so far, in a year that’s not yet at the halfway point.  Guns have replaced car accidents as the leading cause of death for children.  In the light of our country’s ceaseless gun violence, the need for real progress toward a solution becomes ever more urgent.

Is there really no common ground?  I continue to pray that it does exist.  We might find it if only we could step out from the confines of our ironclad political ideologies for a moment.  Of course, this is difficult because we don’t want to leave the safety of the familiar.  Maybe imagining ourselves in a hypothetical situation can help.  Let’s say we’re students, working together on a final group project.  We’re tasked with arriving at a plan to curb gun violence.   We don’t agree with, or like, everyone in our group.  But we all could really use an “A.”  Our teacher reminds us that no plan can possibly stop all gun violence, humans being what we are.  She suggests that we pretend, for the duration of the exercise, that the two major political parties as we know them do not exist.  A fellow classmate suggests that a real solution may be hiding in plain sight.  He proposes starting with some basic questions for discussion.  Here they are:

  1. You’re a parent, and you learn that an active shooter is threatening your child’s school. Which incites your greatest fear?
  •  To hear that the shooter wields a small handgun capable of firing a limited number of bullets before reloading is required, or
  • To hear that the shooter wields a semi- or fully automatic assault-style rifle capable of quickly firing hundreds of rounds of ammunition

2. You’re a police officer, responding to a call about an active shooter at a school.  Which gunman would you prefer to confront?

  • One wielding a small handgun, as above.
  • One wielding an assault-style rifle, as above.

3.  Does it really seem good, right, and appropriate that any eighteen-year old, unable to legally buy a beer, is able to purchase not one, but two AR-15 rifles for immediate use?

4. Think of a particularly immature, hot-tempered teenager whom you know.  Would you want this person to have easy access to multiple such weapons and a huge cache of ammunition?

5.  Would you feel comfortable knowing that the volatile teenager above is armed and roaming your neighborhood regularly?

4. Is it really likely to impact your rights as a responsible gun owner to protect your home if the person mentioned above is unable to purchase an AR-15 or similar gun without a background check, waiting period or any red flag laws in place?

5. Do you lock the doors of your home  at night and when you’re away?  Or do you not bother because, if someone wants to rob or harm you, they will find a way? 

The next victims of gun violence will likely not be members of our own families. But let’s act as if we expect them to be. Let’s quit bickering, acknowledge our shared humanity, and take real steps toward lessening this horrific epidemic.

Faith and Spirituality, Family, Holiday, Nature, Parenthood

‘Tis the Season?

Christmas is five days away.  Every year around this point, I ask myself: how can this be?  How can Christmas be upon us?  But this year, more than ever, time seems slippery, unreliable, prone to eccentricity.  Yesterday seems like a month ago, yet wasn’t Halloween just last week?  Is it because of my advanced age?  Is it because of sudden and broad temperature fluctuations?  In a typical seven-day span, here in Northern Virginia, we experience weather appropriate for all four seasons, sometimes in a single day.  Is it because we’re approaching our third Covid winter, and the weeks and months are draped in a veil of sameness? 

It’s certainly not because I’ve neglected the usual Christmas prep. I haven’t, and it’s kept me too busy to write. The evidence of the season is all around me, but still, this mid-December has an air of unreality. Something just seems off.

After further reflection, I think it may be this: the back-of-my-mind awareness that our daughter will no longer be joining us for an extended winter break. The Christmas season, in recent years, has begun in earnest for me with her arrival home from college. Last year, it started with her final online exam, as she was already here. I think what I’m missing now is the anticipation of having her back with us for about a month. That extra spark of excitement is absent.

At this realization, I had a mental pep talk with myself. Our daughter will be coming home soon, for about a week. She can’t stay longer because she’s gainfully and happily employed. (I’ve never held a job that ticked both boxes.) She’s embarked on a career that relies upon her training. This is why she went to college. At least it’s why the time, trouble and expense of college can be justified. All those demanding classes in aerospace engineering and astronomy are being put to good use. And while she’s a Maryland resident now, she’s closer to home than she was in Charlottesville. When she first began applying for jobs, my husband and I both feared that she’d find it necessary to move to the West Coast. In the rare absence of traffic, she can drive home in about an hour.

So I’m a lucky mama. We should see our dear daughter in two days. And then Christmas Vacation will officially begin.

As my mother reminds me, having recently watched a PBS show about the medieval origins of the twelve days of Christmas, December 25 is only the first day of the festive season. I’ve got plenty of time to get that spark of excitement back. In fact, I’m starting to feel it already.

The spirit of the season is popping up in unexpected places. Here, for example, is a radish that resembles a little head in a pointed elf cap.

The halls have been decked. It’s time to savor the joy of Christmas.

This morning’s full moon, not long after sunrise.