It’s my daughter’s first day of tenth grade. My baby is a high school sophomore. That would be hard to believe, if she didn’t look so grown up. And if she weren’t regularly driving. She got her learner’s permit at the end of June, and so far, she’s a cautious but not overly fearful driver. She’s determined not to be like me, hesitant to drive on the “big roads,” which I define as anything with an on-ramp.
Only two more such “first days,” and then she should be off to college. Now that is truly hard to believe.
As September rolls around, I get a bit nostalgic for the years when my daughter didn’t go back to school. Or for those years when school meant only preschool, three mornings a week. I like to recall crisp, sunny afternoons, when she and I had nothing more pressing to do than to wander the neighborhood in search of signs of fall. We’d collect acorns, pine cones, and brightly colored leaves. Some we used for decoration; others for crafts. (See here.) After our walk, we might spread an old quilt on the lawn and spend a couple of unhurried hours lazing there, talking, reading and snacking.
Back then, there were no hard-to-find school supplies to track down, no quandaries over which binder is better, no piles of tedious forms to complete and sign. No back-to-school nights for H and me. We’d already met the teachers. We knew them. And we had absolute confidence that if our daughter needed extra help with the curriculum, we were experts in every field of study: we knew our ABCs, we knew how to count, and how to spell our daughter’s name.
Afternoon on the lawn, September 2001.
This year, as D takes pre-calculus and chemistry, I’m glad I married someone whose intellectual strengths are my weaknesses, and vice versa. Should our daughter need assistance in math and science, my husband will be on it. I can advise on some aspects of history and English. But we’ve learned to wait to be asked. Both of us are very glad that we no longer have homework, and we have no interest in doing our daughter’s.
Thinker with a sippy cup: D in the fall of 2001.
What’s harder is not offering up certain nuggets of unsolicited advice on non-homework topics. Sometimes we know we should keep quiet because we need to let D live her life. Many situations are only made worse by our meddling in them. Other times, we realize that by saying one thing, we might prompt D to do the opposite. She’s not a rebel. But she is a teenager.
Before we left for Paris, we had reached a family decision to take the Eurostar train to London instead of traveling further in France. We’d compare two major European capitals. It would be a great experience for our daughter. My husband was interested, since he had spent little time in England. But I wasn’t sure I was ready to return to London. It had been twenty-five years. I had waited too long. So long that any return trip would always be too soon.
When I was last in England, I had felt very much at home. A year of living in London, traveling regularly to Cambridge and Oxford and elsewhere throughout the UK had left me feeling like a local. The next year, a month-long follow-up visit seemed like a return to the old home place.
But England was no longer home. That priceless cache of experience I had accumulated piece by painstaking piece–all that familiarity, all that intimate knowledge of a place and its people–it had mostly vanished. Staying away for two and half decades will do that. Now, I’d be just another middle-aged tourist mother traipsing from site to site, attempting to decipher an unwieldy map.
The whirlwind of mixed-up memories that spun around me in the garden below my old Paris dorm room had been daunting enough. I was afraid London would stir up a contrast even more uncomfortably extreme. Could I face yet another collision of the current me with the student me from half a lifetime ago? Of course I could face it. But I doubted very seriously that I would enjoy it.
I understood with new clarity how my father must have felt when we stood on a certain medieval bridge in Germany. As an eighteen-year old fresh out of high school, he’d been stationed in Regensburg with the U.S. Occupational Forces after World War II. Before long he was seeing a beautiful German woman in her mid-twenties. She’d lived in an apartment building on the other side of the bridge. He’d become like one of the family, welcomed by her mother and her small daughter. When his overseas service had been cut short following the sudden death of his father, he’d never said a real goodbye to Anna-Marie. He thought he’d return shortly. He didn’t.
Sixty years later, he was in Regensburg again at last, accompanied by his wife, daughter and granddaughter. Did he want to cross the Stone Bridge and see if anything remained of the old buildings he remembered? No, he didn’t. It was all too much. Too much time past, too much change, internal and external, to wrap one’s head around.
A sixty-year wait for a return trip is certainly too long. A lapse of twenty-five years wouldn’t be nearly as overwhelming, would it?
A View from the Stone Bridge, Regensburg, April 2011
All the transparent life layers have flipped by in a whirring flash. I’m back to the present, and it’s April 13, 2014. But the past is incredibly close. It circles around me like a bird immediately overhead; I hear the beating of its wings and feel the air they displace. In the garden of the Cité Universitaire on the southern edge of Paris, I feel as though I’ve just learned the resolution of a suspenseful film. I don’t know the end of the story (thank goodness), but I’ve discovered the end of the middle, and it’s an immense relief.
Throughout my teens and twenties, whether I’d ever marry was an open question. I knew I wanted marriage, but I wanted it with the right person. I’ve never held to the notion that there’s one perfect match out there for each of us. There are no perfect matches. Probably, for most of us, we might come across several people over the course of a lifetime with whom we could forge a more or less happy union, depending upon circumstance and our commitment to perseverance. But it’s a limited number, while the number of bad choices is huge. And making that choice is a tricky business, as the divorce rate attests.
I bided my time for so long because over and over, I’d seen that Right One morph into a Never Mind. Appearances are deceiving, as are first impressions. In a recurring dream, heavy with doom, I found myself married to one of my many Mr. Wrongs. They were all nice guys, but after a promising start, they turned out not to be right for me. I didn’t want that dream to become a reality. As I stand here with my husband, my husband of nearly nineteen years, it hits me like a revelation: I found a good one, and I think it’s gonna work out!Whew!
He’s my Mr. Right: with H in front of the Maison Internationale at the Cité Universitaire.
Like many women, I’d worried that in postponing marriage, I might miss out on being a mother. I knew I wanted a child some day. Certainly one child. Possibly two, if I got started early enough (although that seemed unlikely). But not three or more. I know my limits. I had grown up a contented only child. I saw no reason to crowd up the house with kids. But I really wanted my shot at motherhood. Would I get it? The answer seems to be revealed anew: Yes, yes, yes! I’m here with my daughter, my fifteen year old daughter. I got my girl! The girl I’d always wanted. While I had prayed for a healthy child, boy or girl, I’d secretly always wanted a daughter, with the hope that she and I would be close, just as my mother and I are.
Me and my girl, my buddy, in the garden of the Cité. My old balcony and its open door are visible above.
How glad I am that I went back with my family to my former Paris residence. Given the opportunity, I will continue to return to such places supercharged with memory. The swirl of emotions they stir up is not for the faint of heart, nor is the undeniable reality of time’s passage. There’s no doubt about it–I’m quite a bit older. Perhaps older than I’d ever imagined being at nineteen. But in returning to this spot where I was so memorably youthful, I can still sense the essence of that youth, which seems to hang in the air like the smoke from fireworks on a hot July night. I’ve changed, but I haven’t changed. I think I’ve gained some wisdom over the years. My ninety-four-year-old grandmother once remarked to me that she still didn’t feel truly old. I’m starting to understand how she feels.
In going back, I came to see more clearly who I am and how I became that way. And it has made me emphatically grateful for the loving family who went there with me, for the first time.
Standing in the garden of the Cité Universitaire this past April, below the room that served as home during my college summer in Paris, I felt like I was in a time warp with tunnel vision. I could reflect on successive Paris life layers at once, one atop another. Today’s post concerns a time thirteen years after my travels in France as a grad student. It’s 2002. For the first time, I’m in France and I’m not a student. It feels strange. The responsibilities of adulthood have caught up with me. I’m a wife and mother, here in the city with my husband and my parents. We’ve left our nearly three year old daughter at home with H’s parents.
It had long been a goal of mine to accompany my parents to France. During my year in England, we had traveled together for three weeks, but we hadn’t yet done France. In the spirit of parental sacrifice, Mama and Daddy had repeatedly stayed home and paid, or helped pay my way. We had always said Sometime, we’ll all go. That sometime seemed to have arrived in 2002. We were all healthy and ambulatory. H, like me, was eager to return to France. Fourteen years had passed since his semester in Rennes. The overlap in the timing of our European student adventures had provided us with a point of commonality that may have been crucial in drawing us together initially. (See That French Connection, April 2014.) Ever the dutiful son-in-law, H didn’t complain about traveling with his wife’s parents, or sharing the tour-guide obligations.
Our daughter was old enough to understand that we weren’t leaving her for good. H’s parents were willing and able to care for her. Very briefly, we considered taking D with us. But I could see how the trip would unfold. She’d be continually preoccupied with something that seemed totally inconsequential to adult eyes. Under the fascinating spell of fallen leaves in the dirt, she’d be oblivious to the historic splendor all around her. My entreaties would go unheard: Look up, sweetie! Look at the beautiful towers. See those funny creatures way up high? Those are gargoyles. My mother would miss most of the sights she’d anticipated for so long. In an effort to make the trip proceed more smoothly for the rest of us, she’d devote her attention to placating her granddaughter. I’d feel guilty. We’d all be testy. Best to leave our toddler with Grandma and Grandpa at home, where she could enjoy, unimpeded, the pleasures of domestic leaves and dirt.
On our first day in France, May 2002: H and my parents at a crêperie near Notre-Dame.
My objectives for travel abroad have varied according to the stages of my life. As a student wearing the rose-colored glasses of youth and freedom, the realm of possibility was vast. Who knew what adventures, what fulfillments of fantasy lay ahead? Caprice, romance, astounding coincidence–while I didn’t take such winged creatures as my due, I also didn’t rule them out entirely. Who’s to say absolutely that I would not meet a sensitive, handsome young man as we admired the same obscure, underappreciated painting in the Louvre? Was it utterly impossible that he’d be involved in the thoughtful restoration of his family’s ancient and immense château? That my fresh American sensibility would invigorate him like a breath of fresh air? That we’d fall in love and live happily ever after among the rose-blanketed walls of honey-colored stone? That the surrounding village would be peopled by delightfully eccentric and charming characters, who would hold us particularly dear as Lord and Lady of the Manor? Such a scenario was clichéd, antiquated and extremely unlikely. But it wasn’t entirely impossible. After all, I was young. Anything was possible. And I’d experienced the unlikely before.
On this trip, it’s a different story. As a no longer young adult traveling with my husband and parents, my goals are considerably more modest and down-to-earth. I’m looking forward to seeing my parents appreciating my favorite French sights, and to comparing student experiences with my husband. I’m hoping for beautiful scenery, comfort, the avoidance of injury, illness and mishap. While my parents are hardly frail or weak, they are, obviously, even less young than I. A successful visit will be free of emergency room visits, crippling accidents, assaults and major transportation breakdowns. It will mean not losing Mama or Daddy temporarily or permanently on the Metro. Perhaps most importantly, it means an uneventful return that brings us back home safely to our little daughter.
Without incident, we check off the sights my mother the history buff had been waiting years to experience: Notre-Dame, the Sainte-Chapelle, the Louvre, Versailles, the Arc de Triomphe. (Daddy is sunnily content to go wherever she, H or I suggest.) We avoid misadventure but find ourselves on its heels several times, as when we stumble upon the aftermath of a purse-snatching and the apprehension of the thief. My parents are hardy, adaptable, unfussy travelers. They don’t even grumble when, after wandering the Versailles gardens and Marie Antoinette’s Petit Hameau, we miss the last passenger trolley and have no option but to walk for what seems like many miles. We enjoy several pleasant days in Paris before we head to the Loire Valley. Mama wants to see some châteaux.
We take the TGV train to Tours, where we rent a car. Although in 1988, Daddy drove Mama and me swiftly and confidently along Britain’s winding roads, this time he’s happy to yield the wheel to H. Our home base in the Loire Valley will be the picturesque little town of Amboise. The royal Château d’Amboise, a multi-turreted castle worthy of Sleeping Beauty, is the centerpiece of the town. It’s a short, lovely walk to the Château du Clos Lucé, where Leonardo da Vinci, as artist and inventor in residence and buddy to Francois I, spent his final years. The Châteaux of Chenonceau and Azay-le-Rideau are nearby.
The Château d’Amboise.On the grounds of the Château d’Amboise is the 15th-Century Chapel of Saint-Hubert, said to house the remains of Leonardo.The town of Amboise seen from the Château ramparts.The Amboise clock tower.The Château du Clos Lucé.Chenonceau.H and I at Chenonceau.
Also within an easy walk from the center of Amboise are several so-called troglodyte homes built into the cliffs of soft tufa, a kind of limestone. The stone, evidence of a prehistoric sea that once covered the area, was quarried for local building. The resulting caves offered unique housing opportunities. Much sought-after, they’re typically equipped with most modern conveniences and need no heat or air conditioning.
An Amboise cave home.
From Amboise, we drive west to Rennes. Although it’s familiar territory for my husband, I’ve never been here. As we walk through the old town and the University section, he recalls his student days. I’d heard the stories, now I can experience the setting first-hand. He points out the buildings where his classes met, the cafés, parks and shops he frequented. As he shows me the route he took to school, I can see him riding through town on his moped, blonde curls visible under the helmet. Thankfully, he was wearing that helmet when a truck hit him one morning. Were it not for that helmet, it’s doubtful we’d be standing here together.
In old town Rennes, a pizza delivery cyclist loads up.
Although H had been in sporadic contact with his French host family since he stayed with them in 1988, he hadn’t told them our travel plans. Our time would be short, and a visit could be awkward since my parents speak no French. But on the road to Mont Saint-Michel, H realizes that we’re tracing his old route to town. Their home is so close. Seems like we almost have to drive by. H has no trouble spotting the house. As though on cue, his French parents are walking out the front door. They recognize H immediately, after fourteen years and no prior notice of his arrival. Monsieur and Madame Treguier welcome us warmly. They are merrily insistent that we return for dinner that evening. We find ourselves saying yes. Who knows when we’ll be back? My parents urge us to go. They’re invited, as well, but they’ll stick with dinner at the hotel. That’s probably a good decision, since Daddy tends to find any long conversation tedious, even if it’s in his own language.
That night, after a beautiful day with my parents at Mont Saint-Michel, H and I are treated to what feels like a homecoming meal. The Treguiers’ younger daughter lives in town and is able to join us. Of course she’s a grown woman now, but H remembers her as a little girl. Madame Treguier brings forth dish after delectable dish, seemingly effortlessly from her tiny kitchen, beginning with a dramatically heaping platter of bright red langoustines. I really don’t know how she does it. For H and me, it takes all our collective brain power to speak sustained, passable French for several hours. The constantly flowing wine helps, until it hinders, and we have to resort to covering our glasses with our hands. The Treguiers are as generous with their wine as H had remembered. In fact, as soon as we arrived, Monsieur Treguier had proudly showed us his brand new wine storage area, his “cave,” built under the garage.
It’s a wonderful, celebratory evening. I get to peel back the layers of my husband’s life, just as I have my own. I see him as his host family remembers, as a very green, very American college boy. They recall fondly that when he first arrived, they secretly despaired. Would they ever be able to communicate with him? He had had only one year of college French, and his language skills were rudimentary. Fortunately, he showed remarkably swift improvement, and his charm was immune to the language barrier. Wow, I thought. With many more years of French study behind me, I’d lacked the courage to stay in a French household during my Paris summer.
Seeing H through the eyes of the Treguier family brings to light one of the traits I most admire about him: his quiet confidence. Whatever the challenge, if he considers it worthwhile, he’s up for it. Immerse himself in a totally French-speaking environment with minimal skills? He’ll manage it. Drive an enormous delivery truck through all the boroughs of New York City? Sure. Fix the car, any car? Easy. Repair the hole in the ceiling? Yes. Master windsurfing on his own? He’s done it. Teach his daughter to ski? Of course. Show her a better approach to that algebra problem? Certainly. Yet he’s never showy or arrogant. He has no ancestral château, but what a guy. Indeed, what a great guy. I can tell that the Treguiers agree.
That night in Rennes, the Treguiers’ deep affection for my husband is apparent. What’s more, they extend their high regard and good will graciously to me, and even to our daughter, back at home. They urge us to return in the near future, to bring her and spend more time with them. As we say our goodbyes, it’s like leaving a family reunion in some best of all possible worlds. It’s one of those times when the bonds of true friendship are revealed at their strong, resilient best, stretching across miles, years, languages and cultures.
Mont Saint-Michel in Normandy, one of my favorite spots in France. (See European Vacation ’75: Part II: Mont Saint-Michel, April 2013.)
View of the Pantheon from the Luxembourg Gardens, July 1982.
From the Pantheon and our hotel, it’s an easy walk down rue Soufflot to the grand gated entrance to the Luxembourg Gardens, a green oasis in the heart of Paris’s streets of stone and brick. The name is proof that the French don’t forget their history. In the early seventeenth century, the land was owned by the Duke of Luxembourg. The palace and gardens owe their existence to Marie de’ Medici. After the assassination of her husband, Henry IV in 1610, the Italian-born Queen needed a change of scenery and a move from the Louvre. She bought the land in 1612 and commissioned a palace and gardens inspired by her memories of Florence’s Pitti Palace and Boboli Gardens.
The circular lawn panel.
The fifty-five-acre park features expanses of perfectly manicured lawn, bordered by allés of carefully tended horse-chestnut trees and bright flowers that change with the seasons. Many statues accent the greenery.
The Italian Renaissance-style Palace was completed in 1627. It now houses the French Senate.
The central pavilion of the Palace.
A popular spot in the park is the eight-sided pond known as the Grand Bassin. While children sail sturdy rental boats, parents may relax in the rows of green garden chairs.
Pelouse interdite.
Lawns are scarce in Paris and highly prized. Early on during my Parisian student summer, our group was picnicking in a park. We noticed an approaching gendarme, gesticulating enthusiastically. We thought he was happy to see us. Soon it became evident that we had mistaken his exasperation for overt friendliness. We learned then that the pelouse is typically interdit. In the Luxembourg Gardens, some of the lawns are preserved by alternating pedestrian access. While the above panel was off limits, a nearby one was populated by picnickers and sun-seekers.
Our daughter claims a perch between French Queen and a local child.
The Medici Fountain dates from the time of the Palace.
One of my favorite spots in the city is the Gardens’ Medici Fountain. The strangely beautiful, grotto-like structure reminds me of something I’d hope to see in a dream. It stands at the end of a short allée of chestnut trees. Even on the hottest summer days, by the fountain it’s cool and quiet in the welcome shade.
You take some of this park with you when you go. Your shoes will be coated with a tell-tale layer of fine white dust.
Many significant Paris attractions were within easy reach of our small hotel by the Pantheon. Typically, we’d begin our excursions by heading down rue Soufflot. One afternoon during our visit twelve years ago, my husband and I took an opposite route. For us, and perhaps for the typical tourist, it was the road less traveled. We followed the narrow streets behind the Pantheon, down the hill for several blocks, to emerge onto a lively little square. The upper stories of the old buildings leaned in all around, as though in intimate discussion. We had stumbled upon La Place de la Contrescarpe.
La Place de la Contrescarpe, seen from our entry point on rue de l’Estrapade.
It was a warm day in May, and we quickly settled into an inviting outdoor table at La Contrescarpe, one of several cafés bordering the square. We sipped our beers and watched locals running errands and socializing. The school day had recently ended, and the square was abuzz with activity and the musical sounds of French conversation. Teenagers from nearby lycées headed to the cafés or chatted by the fountain in the leafy center of the square. Parents and younger children paused for gelato, pastries and baguettes at the many small shops.
La Contrescarpe.
Because we discovered the square near the end of our trip, we didn’t get a chance to return. When we discussed plans for this visit, my husband and I agreed that we should go early and often to our favorite little Place. On our first day back in Paris last month, after leaving our bags at the hotel, we set off down the familiar streets for lunch at the café.
The square was just as we had remembered it, just as authentically French, still relatively untrodden by throngs of international tourists. Because the weather was sunny but chilly, we took an outside table within reach of an overhead heater. Thanks to these, April in Paris is more comfortable than ever. H and I ordered our celebratory “cinquantes,” 50-cl draft beers that we associate with an unhurried afternoon in France. Our daughter sampled her first Croque Monsieur. Or did she have the Croque Madame, topped with a fried egg? One of those, which she heartily enjoyed, along with her Orangina. The food was tasty, and the service was efficient and polite. The waiter understood our French without any apparent trouble. What’s more, he continued to address us in French, something we’ve learned to take as a compliment. It was quite the pleasure to be back.
La Contrescarpe became our local café, our destination for rest and refreshment after hours of sightseeing. It was a prime spot for viewing Parisian street theatre, which continued unabated. Several featured players, quirky character actors, as it were, returned again and again. Occasionally, when they became overly boisterous, they were courteously but firmly shooed away by the café staff. We enjoyed the feeling of being part of the scene.
View of La Place de la Contrescarpe from our outdoor café table.
I didn’t realize until after we had returned home that the Contrescarpe area, traditionally a working class district, has a rich historical association with writers. Rabelais frequented the area’s taverns. Balzac set much of Le Pere Goriot in the neighborhood. Victor Hugo’s Jean Valjean haunted its streets in Les Miserables. James Joyce wrote Ulysees there. George Orwell lived and worked in the neighborhood.
Its most evocative literary ties, however, may be with Hemingway. Just steps from the Place, and within sight of our table at La Contrescarpe, is the apartment at 74 rue Cardinal Lemoine, where he and his first wife lived in cheerful poetic poverty. On the opening page of A Moveable Feast, Hemingway writes how “the cold wind would strip the leaves from the trees in the Place Contrescarpe.” He rented a small garret room for writing around the corner on rue Descartes, in the same building where the poet Verlaine died in 1896.
I had generally avoided reading Hemingway because I wasn’t drawn to tales of bullfighting, fishing, boxing, or war. But A Moveable Feast, a memoir of his early years as a writer in Paris during the 1920s, had been on my to-read list seemingly forever. About two years ago, I read it. Hemingway’s Paris, so vividly and often comically evoked, was the Latin Quarter. “My” Paris. I remember appreciating the many references to my favorite spots, to the names of streets I traversed as a student. Like Hemingway, my friends and I were always on the lookout for cheap places to eat and drink. We were familiar with his Paris, of great beauty, bare-bones accommodations and inconvenient plumbing.
But the repeated mentions of La Place Contrescarpe, I’m disappointed to say, rang no bell of recognition. I recall thinking the unusual name sounded vaguely familiar, but I didn’t realize Hemingway’s first Paris home was immediately off that very same square H and I had enjoyed so much. I had no idea that as we sat at our favorite café table, we were facing the writer’s former “flat at the top of the hill.”
Hemingway avoided the café that adjoins the house he lived in. Then known as the Café des Amateurs, he described it as “the cesspool of the rue Mouffetard,” “a sad, evilly run café where the drunkards of the quarter crowded together.” While we didn’t sample the current café in that location, preferring our post across the street, it looked perfectly pleasant, neither sad nor evil. Obviously times change. I can’t help but be relieved, however, that it wasn’t La Contrescarpe or a previous incarnation that received such a bad review. I like to think there were spring evenings when Hemingway, happy after a successful day of writing, joined his wife Hadley at an outdoor table there on the Place de la Contrescarpe. Should he have appeared during our visit, “Midnight in Paris” style, my family and I would have been glad to clink glasses with him in a contented “Salut.” I know he would appreciate the cinquante as much as H and I did.
Our favorite table at La Contrescarpe, with a view toward rue Cardinal Lemoine. The former Café des Amateurs is now the Café des Arts.
My recent trip to Atlanta reminded me how fortunate I am to have parents who refrain from using guilt as a coercive tactic. When I went to see them, it wasn’t in response to complaints about my not having been there in ages (although that would have been true–I hadn’t come to Atlanta since the previous summer). My parents eagerly anticipate seeing me, my husband and daughter, but they don’t want us to feel obligated to visit. While we’re with them, they want us to feel like we’re on vacation. They cook our favorite meals and treat us to dinners out. They encourage us to rest, take it easy, or go out and do something fun.
Even during this visit, Mama would say routinely after a meal, “Now, I’ll clean up. You go relax. You have to clean up every night.” Daddy, recovering from surgery, was determined to carry my suitcase up the back stairs. It was hard to persuade my parents to let me lift a finger around the house. Mama finally thought of a few small tasks that involved a ladder. Even then, it was all I could do to keep Daddy from pushing past me and scampering up to the top. Last year, I would have let him, but the dent in his forehead from a fall in the hospital told me I’d better not.
Mama had only one real request, and even then she suggested it with no pressure. She had asked me earlier if I would mind driving them “out to see John.” John is their dentist, and they love him. My parents never dread a dental visit, as many people do. For them, it’s a social occasion with the added benefit of cleaner, better teeth. They look forward to seeing John. They’ve known him since he was sixteen. He was my first boyfriend.
The summer before our junior year, John appeared at a church youth group function with a friend. He was charming, witty and somewhat sophisticated. All the girls in MYF sat up and took notice. I expected he’d soon be cuddling in the church van with one of several girls I remember, perhaps inaccurately and unfairly, as serial boyfriend collectors. Any cute new guy was likely to pair up with one of them. But this boy liked me.
John seemed to think more than most boys his age, and he had varied interests. He played basketball but also read books, had a talent for art, and could talk about ideas without sounding dull or pompous. When I said I hated all 70s rock music, he brought over his Queen albums. I played Night at the Opera and Day at the Races over and over on my cheap stereo, and I still love Queen. I think I saw my first foreign film, Cousin Cousine, with him. He was no highbrow; we also saw Kentucky Fried Movie and The Spy Who Loved Me. We found out Elvis had died when we stopped by Baskin-Robbins after playing tennis at the crumbly old court behind Rock Springs Presbyterian Church. Even back then, John, like the elf in Rudolf, knew he wanted to be a dentist.
We were a couple for only a few months, but the timing was significant. Just before I met John, I’d had a few tense dates with a boy who was, to use a classic crossword puzzle word, a cad. He was dashing and handsome but as shallow as a driveway puddle after a quick summer storm. Thanks to John, I discovered early on that I didn’t need to waste my time with boys who were clearly not right for me. And I learned there was no truth to the adage that good guys have to be boring.
Our reasons for breaking up are hazy now. It probably had something to do with the fact that we were both sixteen and had most of our lives ahead of us. But we remained friends, and we were still in regular contact when John’s father suddenly got a new job that required the family to relocate to Charleston, West Virginia. It was February, in the middle of the school year, with less than two weeks left in the quarter. John moved in with my family so he could finish up schoolwork and take exams. He settled into the upstairs room off the attic. Because he attended a different school than I did, Daddy let John borrow the station wagon, while he took the bus to work. He made John’s lunch every day. I don’t think he really needed clothes, but Daddy bought him Levi’s at Charlie’s Trading Post, and my mother made him a shirt. John never lost his sense of humor even in the midst of his melancholy over the impending move. Mama understood and sympathized, and when John had trouble sleeping, the two of them sat up late together talking.
February 1978: John with me, Rebecca and Katie. My dog Popi looms in the foreground.
My parents became John’s patients after the retirement of our long-term family dentist, who was also a good friend. That was years ago, and they have followed John as his practice has moved farther away. Reaching his office now requires a twenty-five mile drive on I-85, an increasingly dicey adventure for my parents. On their last visit, they got lost when Daddy took an earlier exit. This was one of the incidents that prompted my husband to decide we had to set my parents up with a GPS system, as well as the reason Mama asked if I’d mind driving. Friends have wondered why they don’t find a dentist with a nearby practice. The answer is simple. That dentist wouldn’t be John.
John and I pose as ill-equipped runaways for our photographer friend Katie. With our similarly feathered hair, we were true children of the 70s.
My parents and I survived the drive to John’s office. I managed to follow the GPS directions despite Daddy’s persistent efforts to get me to take the earlier exit. Shortly after we arrived, John came out to greet us ebulliently, as if we were long-lost family, even though he was with a patient. He took the time later to sit down and catch up. We laughed about the old days when we were teenagers, as well as the current ones as parents of teens.
John’s effervescence, rooted in empathy and sincerity, is contagious. He’s not one of those hollowly entertaining types that seems like great company until their arrogance becomes apparent. You realize you’re incidental, needed only as a spectator. John has real warmth; his joviality is not merely presentation but extends to those around him. A few minutes with him and your outlook improves. I agree with my parents. It’s worth the drive to see John.
John with his wife and children in 2002. My husband, daughter, my parents and I met up with John and his family at a church celebration that year.John and me, 2002.
The Atlanta skyline, from the MARTA train, March 21.
Last Thursday I did something I hadn’t done in nine years: I flew to Atlanta, alone, to visit my parents. Ever since my daughter was born, she has been my constant travel companion. Even as a baby she was good company when we flew together. The joy she found in the adventure of airplane travel almost made up for the difficulties of managing the clumsy baby seat and all the various gear she required. As she got older she became a great help, as she has a natural bent for understanding automatic ticketing machines. With her assistance, I learned to buy and reload a MARTA Breeze card and to make my way through the stations. It felt strange to be leaving town without her.
The last time I went to Atlanta by myself, Mama had been very sick. This time, it was Daddy. In February he underwent a serious surgery that left him in a fragile state. Typically healthy, hearty and appearing far younger than his years, time was making sudden and unwelcome inroads. Fortunately, Mama was feeling pretty well. Her usual chronic health concerns were manageable, and Daddy’s illness spurred her into action. She had recently had cataract surgery, which improved her vision and gave her confidence to drive again (although only to familiar, nearby places–she wasn’t about to attempt I-85). It had been over twenty years since she had regularly set foot in a grocery store, because Daddy had done nearly all the shopping and errand-running.
My parents are blessed to have a strong caring network of neighbors and church friends, so my immediate presence hadn’t been an absolute requirement. I can’t say how grateful I am to the many who step in so graciously to help. While I offered to fly down at any time, I sensed that Mama preferred I wait until Daddy was feeling better and regaining some of his lost weight. That way he could better enjoy my visit, and I wouldn’t be as alarmed at his appearance.
Another view from the train, showing the gold dome of the Capitol between the twin “Sloppy” Floyd Towers. The cream-colored tower to the left is City Hall, which dates from 1930.
I tend to think my family in Virginia can’t get through the mornings without me. Who will make sure our daughter is really, truly awake and up in the pre-dawn darkness? Who’ll make her breakfast and lunch? Who’ll walk Kiko? I knew they’d be fine in the evenings. While there would be no cooking, they’d have no trouble eating. My husband would bring home Chipotle, Chinese or Thai. They’re capable of opening cans, jars, and boiling pasta. Those mornings, though, they’d be rough. Then it hit me. So what if the mornings are rough? That just means they’ll appreciate me all the more once I return.
So I went, and I’m glad I did. I’ll go back, too, with more frequency. As those of us of a certain age already know or are coming to realize (at least those lucky enough to have our parents still with us), sometimes the duties and rewards of daughterhood take priority over those of motherhood.
The back of the High Museum of Art, much expanded since I worked there in the 80s.
The High Museum with the Promenade building in the background.
The Four Seasons Hotel, as seen from the Arts Center Station.
I was very glad not to see any snow. While the weather was cooler than I had hoped, it was sunny, and there were real signs of spring, such as this dandelion in the mulch. There are no dandelions yet in northern Virginia.
Just as predicted, more snow. And yes, schools are closed again. This is a gorgeous, fluffy snow, the kind that appears to coat tree branches with cotton puffs. While I got my fill of the white stuff several snow days ago, this one occurs at a welcome time. My daughter returned yesterday morning from her annual drama trip to New York City. It’s a twenty-four hour excursion, from 4 AM Saturday to 4 AM Sunday. They saw the musical Pippin, did an improv workshop, toured the theatre district and went to the Top of the Rock. D slept until early afternoon but was still exhausted. Today is a much-needed catch-up day, a time to ease back, slowly, into her regular schedule. A 5:30 wake-up in our house is never pretty, but it would have been frightfully ugly this morning. Thank you, St. Patrick’s Day snow!
On a sadder note, the kids may be in school until mid-July.
Briefly, we were almost completely without snow. For several days, our lawn had been visible (our messy, muddy, stick-strewn lawn). Heavy fluffy flakes began falling in earnest this morning, and now the neighborhood is blanketed in white again. Should there come a time when the snow melts for real, there is one aspect of it that I’ll miss. That’s the vision of moonlight on the snow.
My all-time favorite view is the one from our upstairs windows onto the snow-covered front lawn on a moonlit night. February’s full moon, according to my Farmer’s Almanac desk calendar, is known as the Snow Moon. Here in Virginia it’s certainly lived up to the name. During our recent snowy spell, many nights were clear, the sky black, the stars intense, and the moon big and bright. So bright that it lit up the snow with a gasp-inducing glittery incandescence. Against the glowing white snow, the shadows of our maple trees were dramatically dark blue. This magical view always takes me back, back to the first January we spent in our house, when our daughter was a year old. That winter I often gazed out at that view, brand-new to me, rocking, nursing, cuddling my baby girl. It felt good to be in a place I could call home.
The memory of that time is perhaps particularly vivid because, for so many years, I had postponed settling down. By my own choice, I was a latecomer to marriage, motherhood, and a fixed address. When I arrived as an eighteen-year-old at UGA, I discovered how much I enjoyed campus student life. Thanks to a taste of the working world following college, I soon realized that graduate school offered the chance to return to a life free from many cares of traditional adulthood. I managed to be a grad student for eight years. That sounds like an incredibly long time, I realize, but there were many in my field of art history who lingered far longer. I relished that busy peripatetic life, happily unsure of where I’d be the next year. I moved at least ten times during grad school, including two house-sitting stints and a year-long residence in London for dissertation research. Traveling as a student was cheap and easy. I had acquaintances scattered across continents and no strings to tie me down. I made wonderful friends, met a great many unforgettable characters, and had exciting adventures.
But even I couldn’t sustain such a rootless lifestyle forever. By the time I met H, I was feeling the need for a change. Yet because he was seven years younger, I assumed our timelines would always be hopelessly out of sync. Wouldn’t he need another decade or so to figure things out?
Fortunately he required only half that long. Five years later we began our married life together in a tiny Butler Tract apartment in Princeton. It took us only two more moves before we landed in our old Virginia farmhouse. It seemed to wrap its arms around us and say, You’re home. You’re a family. Stay a while.
We have, and we will. On every snowy, moonlit night, before I go to sleep, I look out the window and give thanks that I’m here in this house with my husband, daughter and dog. My only regret is that my parents aren’t nearby. All else considered, I’m right where I want to be. Right where I hope to be tomorrow and for years to come. After so many years of running, it’s good to rest and be home.
My favorite moonlit view is unphotographable. But this recent early morning scene of Kiko on the lookout gives some sense of the blue shadows on the snow.
H and D in front of our house, soon after our offer was accepted in December 1999. That was back when the maple stump was still a full tree.
Our daughter in the spring of 2000. Back when she enjoyed playing with a basket of crumpled paper. And when her eyes were still blue. They’ve since changed to green.
A blog about motherhood, marriage and life: the joys and frustrations, beauty and absurdity, blessings and pain. It's about looking back, looking ahead, and walking the dog.
